Monday, January 14, 2008
"you asked me if i loved you, and i choke on my reply. I rather hurt you honestly then mislead you with a lie. But who am i to judge you on what you say or do, i'm only just beginning to see the real you...""..Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride. But through the insecurity some tenderness survives. I'm just another writer, still trapped within my youth.."So much have happen even though we're just about to enter into the 3rd week of the new year. Sometimes i feel like as if i am abnormal. I didn't have the kind of feelings that i was suppose to have, just walking but the neutral line, not sure if i am deceiving myself, or am i actually just numb to everything else. I guess i just want to live a normal life, move on and not think about it anymore.
But i do wake up from occasional nightmares, images of what i have seen still haunts me as and when, causing me to just have a few hours of short sleep and working like a zombie the next day.
Work is getting really bad as well. Only good thing was that its keeping my mind off what i wanted to stop thinking about throughout the day, brain dead by end of the day and tons and endless complains when i see friends or dinner or chat on the msn. Culture Shock in work place.
I am starting to believe that i am pretty jinx in life. Non that i am doing is benefitting. Every round of mahjong i sat through, i walk out clearing my pockets, work sucks, not good at whatever i can get with my hands, just as i thought, probably the only thing that i am blessed with was a great relationship and just as i thought 2008 will be a good year for us, it took total downhill.
I came to a point i actually sat down and ask God why He wants to do this to me. Why He wants to play such a prank on me. This was something i never did. Because i always believe that whatever that happens in my life is all destined to happen. That He has a plan for everything, and i just took it under my stride for whatever that i have to shoulder keeping only on the base line that i must be happy even if i am in deep shit.
However throughout the whole episode, no matter how long i have been far away from God, away from church, I knew He was with me ( No, i am not preaching, its just personal).
Saturday's decision proves to be a good choice. I guess i knew why. Forgiveness.
I guess no one here, no one who is reading this would understand.
We always say "forgive and forget". I am really starting to wonder who, or how this phrase started. Forgetting a hurt is not easy. Pastor was right, the more you tell yourself you'll try, the more you'll focus on the hurt and it takes much longer a time for the pain to heal.
Forgiveness is unconditional, and the person who is being forgiven have to be broken enough to be forgiven.
In 2 weeks, i went actually went through the whole process of what pastor had preached. I guess the only good thing God had given me, was the ability to accept and keep hurts away. I believe in turning my enemies into friends.
I forgive you, doesn't mean i can forget about it. But i knew deep down that you deserve a chance, and when u broke down and apologise i knew you meant it from your heart. I understand that you've been trying to make it up, trying your best so that i can be happy. I appreciate it. Time will be the only hurdle here.
Hopefully the episode ends here and we'll move on to other stuff that is to come.
I feel like taking a break. Away from the routine things in life, away from work. Just relax and catch up on the beauty sleep that i have been missing since. Just go take up some part-time waitressing or barista-ing to find back the life that i really want.
Taking things easy as time go by. Please understand me when i say what i say. We need time. I need the time as well. Please understand me as well, if i seem weird. Its tough. But i am still hanging good around. Flexing my arms alittle here and there.
Zodiac signs are suggesting that i will have a bad year.
Whatever comes. Base line is.."BE HAPPY"
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I actually wanted to say that i kind of miss you. But i realise all i wanted was that friendship back. Hope everything is well. _____________________________________________
"..And sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, and i had to close my eyes and hide. I wanna hold you till i die, till we both break down and cry. I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.."
12:29 am
