Monday, September 27, 2004

Opps, i did it again. I just mention that he wouldn't want me to tag along with his friends to watch movie, though i kept emphasing that i wouldnt mind watching it with him again. He didn't say anything. Just a simple ok. So how am i suppose to feel??

No.. not that i didn't trust. No, not that i didn't let go of the past. I just couldn't feel good about myself. I didn't lose confidence with anyone. I just lose the confidence on myself. I have no capacbility. I really tried. And sometimes, i just feel terrible seeing him stuck in between.

2:40 am

Don't know why, i feel funny, mixed feelings. So mixed that i keep getting goosebumps. I don't why but feel alittle disappointed. Yet, i know that there is no right or wrong...or no...not in this context, but when it happens i just felt disappointed. I didn't want to ask much again. So i just went ahead with what i planned for the day. It was the same response i get when i ask about the party. No answer. Maybe he is not ready. Or maybe, i am not a good person, nor popular and there might be trouble when people sees me. And maybe he didn't want to tell me how he feels and didn't want to hurt me at the same time, that's why he kept quiet. Actually i do understand why he wasn't ready or why he didn't want others to know who am i or whatever. But i couldn't help but feel disappointed. Maybe not so much on him, but myself. Probably that explains why he wouldn't want me to go for both occasions. Probably i might not click well. Now, whenever i think about the responses i gotten, i just feel like, oh no! so i am not that nice a person after all. I tried my best already. I swear to God, i tried my best to accept everything that was presented before me. I couldn't help it if others didn't like me. No matter what i do, people will still see me as a needle. maybe that's why he would prefer to keep me in a corner, where no one will see me. Ya, maybe is still early, everything needs time. But i just couldn't help but feel disappointed. With myself. Maybe, i wasn't a good person at all. I don't have a plesant personality where everyone will adore. But he has, that is why i always want to show others that i have found a very good personality and i have him by my side. He is good, that why i like to bring him to meet everyone i could possibly think off. Which he is good, cos he clicks with everyone, but i dun click with his friends. Maybe i am rushing things little. Then let me apologise. Maybe i just couldn't measure up to his level. There have been alot of silences these few days. Maybe is me. I don't know. I couldn't stop thinking.

The goosebumps comes again, and everytime it happens, i will tear. Maybe is due to PMS also. Should be around the corner. I have this sudden feeling like i am losing something. In fact, i felt as if i will lose everything. Emotional again, and exams are just around the corner, and he is going into the army soon. arrghh there goes the goosebumps again.

My granny is admitted into the hospital for the 4th time in one and half months period. The problem this time round is the same as last time, water retention in the lungs. My dad got so feddup with the doctors, that he confronted them saying that they didn't do their job the other time when she wsa admitted for this same reason. He scolded them that the other time, they say it was because of water retention in the lungs, and they discharge her 7 days later, now she is admitted again for the same reason, and the doctor ask her to stay for 7 days, and then wat? after her discharge she is going to come abck in again? Shouldn't they have cure her the other time round? And the funny thing is my granny don't really drink alot of water. SO WHERE IS THE EXPLAINATION??? the doctor kept quiet, and he then claim that he is just a consultant only. DAMN YOU LA!!!!

Went to eat and then shop alittle, i think i have fallen in love with the new frangrace by Elizabeth Arden "Provocative Woman" the frangrace is so nice, is light and womanly, i simply just love it. And i am definitely going to get it when i get my pay. Or unless there is any kind soul out there who is willing to bless me with one. HAHAHA. God i pray for blessings!!! Here's a picture of my new fav fragrace

Oh...i couldn't wait for my next pay!! Is simply fantastic!!!!!!

1:56 am

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Uh!!! I just came back from a marvellous movie. In fact, i just had a movie marathon. I saw 3 marvellous movies in 2 days. I almost forgot that i am paying 8.50bucks for each ticket. It was so marvellous that i feel that it is worth it. The 1st movie i watched was "White Chick" which was so damn funny. I laugh till i almost drop on the floor, and am hitting the front seat rigorously. Thank God no one was sitting on it. I laugh till i cried for help when it comes to the part where one of them ate something he was allergic to and had to hit the toilet almost immediately. Oh no, all the farting sounds and actions, ok i must admit that it is a tact too exaggarated, but it was so hilarious that everyone in the cinema was laughing like crazy and still kept laughing even when it moves on to the next scene. I could almost still remember how serious his tummy ache was, that when he farted, he could almost fell off the toilet bowl. hahahahaha. But really is a good and hilarious movie, especially when you ahve a bunch of friends laughing together with you, it just feel even more "shuang" HAhHAHAHa. i give 4 stars out of 5

Next i saw was "Resident Evil: Apocalyse" ok, it is just yet another human eating humans, but this time round it was so much better than Resident Evil 1. In fact, i think is the best "virus mutating in humans which cause them to start eating humans" movie amongst all the others with the similar theme. Movies like, "21 days" which is all crap, "Dawn of the dead" etc. But at least Resident Evil has more of the plot and story line. It is not just virus, spread then start eating. ok, in fact that was what happen for Resident Evil 1, but This new episode has much more things to it. Which i don't really know how to explain. And by watching this part 2, i finally realise what Resident Evil is all about, and am looking forward to part 3. i give 4 stars out of 5

Next is the best of the best, i saw "New Police Story" wow!! Jackie Chan!!! And i must say it the best "Police Story" ever. The story and plot is good. And of cos the action is good!! It was so exciting as i sat there and watch the whole movie unfold. It is a little different from the rest of Jackie's movies. Normally, it was action, acting, action and action. This time round, there was acting, emotions, emotions, acting, ACTION, ACTION, ACTION!!!!!! Plus, he has such a beautiful co-star as his girlfriend, Charlie Yeung. Kaoz, i was mesmerized went she came in. She is so much more beautiful then before. This time round, the story is really good. Marvellous!!! and for this i give 6 out of 5!!!! hahahahahaha

Recommendation is that you watch it in this sequence as i have watched. Firstly "White Chick" then followed by "Resident Evil: Apocalyse" then lastly, "New Police Story". Let the heights of the marvellous plot blow your mind off. I have never watch a movie till i am so shuang before. I almost forgot who i am, where i am. And i spent 25.50 bucks in it!! And i simply don't feel a thing. Wow!! So cool man.

Ok, i am tired. And am starting to feel feverish. Don't know why also. Maybe is due to not enough sleep. Arrgghh...

3:04 am

Monday, September 20, 2004

Ok, some might wonder why the name da1 da1. Hahahaha. I think even Dada himself dun really know too. Ok.

I have this habit of calling my boyfriend names. Like eg. Darling, Dear dear, Baby etc. I love calling him dear. And sometimes i just develop a new name subconciously. Sometimes i call him dar dar...darling...yada yada. hahahahha. So it just so happen that i wanted to call him dar dar, then i tried to act cute, then it went Dada. (in chinese big big). And i thought it sounds good thought. And Dada likes it too. Hahahaha he laughs abit when i call him that. Then i beam with joy and tells him cos he is big in my life. One large part. He is my boss, my biggest friend, my second biggest lover (after the darling of heaven), my biggest comfort (better then my green smelly bolster), my biggest teddy bear, my biggest wrestler who would bonks my head as and when needed, pin me down when i am naughty and i will struggle from the itchiness and surrender under his smelly armpit, my biggest soulmate, my biggest confidante, my biggest telly pathy pal, my biggest part of me. So he became my big big. DADA!!!!!!

I Love you Dada. *mUAcks*

11:07 pm

YEah! I am back!! From my well deserved holidays!!! HAhahahah. I feel good man. Really enjoyed myself. Is been a long time since i am so relax since i went to 1929. Hahahahahaha. But now, i am nack, to my normal routine. BAck to hitting it on my project submission already. Guess i wouldn't need to sleep at least for the next two days.

I miss it man. Really had fun. I mean i really enjoyed myself. I really do.

Just had my tuition today. While having it, i heard a very loud bang that came from below. SHIT!!! accident. You couldn't imagine man. The sudden fear and shock that came and envelop me at the moment. My kid kept complaining he kena shocked. And i had to be there to act tough. I dare not admit that i was shivering inside. Later when i was going back, i saw the damaged. Oh man, you wouldn't want to imagine. Three taxis involved. And with casuaties. Thank God i didn't see the injured. I wouldn't want to. I heard from the KPO neighbours and aunties that it was quite bad. ya, and i could tell by just hearing the bang. Is terrrible.

Starting to feel a sense of lost. Sad. No, or yes, it feels terrible alittle, but not that much. Why, cos my dada is going to the army soon. I always have very good times with him. And i know it deep within me that i will miss all these days. Of cos, i am not going to loose him as my dada. But, you know, i can't see him as much as i wanted to, i cant call him and talk to him as much as i wanted to. I am beginning to feel lost. Was just thinking how would days be like when he is in the army. Can only see dada on the precious weekends. The funny thing is i am beginning to treasure my weekends more. I mean it!! No dada for me to call during my PMS. No dada to come and hug me and "arbish" my head when i feel terrible on a weekday. Awww....no......!!!!! I guess i will cry. Say i very nian...say all you want. Hmm, he is my dear dada. My precious comfort, so much better then my green smelly bolster.
I need to go back to do the stupid report. Arrghh!!

11:05 pm

Saturday, September 11, 2004

DAMN!! i DIDN't Know That BLogSPOT is such a daMN F****** blog!!! i type EverYthING and EVERYTHING IS GONE!!!!!!! DAMN!!! But hEck i shall do it again since i am SO daMN frEE!!!!

I AM SO SUPER SIANZ!!!!! SO DAMN F****** bored. ALL the Way To mY bOnES.!!! SICK and tIred Of haVing tO siT arouND THE daMN house anD dO NothiNg. FeEL so ToTALLY lonEly and CaSHLESS!!! DAMN!!!! SpeNT the WHole f****** day moBbiNg around doinG nothing. AND by nITE tiME comES, i hAVe finALLy coME to a decISION that i ShouLd cut dOWN on my FONE billS and stop callinG everyone and anyONe. I can't stAND it that EveryTime i got to be The one to call or sms. SIck of it!!! Everyone os put playinG!!! Why mUSt i alwaYS be The one to to call and ask if anyoNe wants TO go OUT????? WHY CAN'T YOU CALL ME?????? WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE THE FIRST???? Nah, I thInK after Today, I will re-prioritise my priorities. FROM TODAY ON I SHALL DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!

MY NEW SLOGON. "IF YOU DUN FEEL LIKE IT THEN DUN" ThAt is SOmeThinG thaT i will EMbrace at least FOR thESe few Weeks. I am SICK anf tiRED of feeding OTHER PEOPLE'S EGO. Sorry, Miss Huang here would like to shout:" I NEED MY EGO TO BE FED TOO!!!" No WOnder i am always Fighting with the insecurities within me. NO ONE BOTHERS TO Feed my ego. I NEED TO FEEL GOOD TOO!!!!! I AM suCH a Failure. NO CONFIDENCE IN myself. Nah, not that i dun trust. I JUST dun believe in mySELF!!! GET OFF MY BacK!!!! I shAll do nothing from now onwards other then my facial and mask.

BACK from my face SPA. ANd is f****** 1.40am. dAMN. wat the HECK!!! Ok, i shall go back to my most fav world, with only my tv , me and the bed. Bye.
(mind My language. sorry. HECK!!! THIS IS MY BLOG!!!!!)

1:36 am

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Woo..I have been busy man, busy shifting things around my room and busy carrying the two TV's up and down the stairs..(looks at ma own arms and search for muscles). Cool, now i have a tv in ma room....but damn!! am i dumb or what?? How can't i just get things done correctly, i keep buying the wrong wire...I have already like spend tons on just having the tv in my room. Later gonna go back to the shop again...is shit!!! But, this time round, i am going to make sure that nothing goes wrong. I am feeling so tired. Man, i need sleep.

Dear is busy with his work again. We hasn't really talk since yesterday. And i am wondering if he will call me today. Didn't want to disturb him. It seems like he is overworking and at the same time, going to play with his friend. Wonder how many pimples have already popped up on his face.

Ok, i have nothing else to blog...my brain is telling me to sleep, sleep, sleep...i shall be back...

1:37 pm

Monday, September 06, 2004

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever.

This is a true stroy, taken from "Family"(dictated by LD, editied by LSX, translated by SaFe).

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly worng as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too late.

Just 2 years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometwon and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away when he was young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the south to ler her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just pick me up and started spinning round and round. As i begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and i love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an arguement and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continously until i surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; i am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You can't eat the flowers!" i smiled and said: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you'll get used to it."

Mother stop saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever i came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when i come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, i would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfullu pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and i would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make alot of noise with it as her silent protest. As i am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, i do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence i turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: She would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulatiing them so that she can sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, i would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was palced in a difficult position, and after that he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spolit child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did i do worng?" Hubby stared at me and said: "CAn't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling haning in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in a dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarassing breakfast situation, i restorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is unclean that's why you choose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feelings of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
the next morning, i was having porridge prepared by mother and i felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but i couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited. Just as i was catching my breath, i saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.

We had our very first fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her wat out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby didn't return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; i have been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? for no reason, i keep having the feeling to throw up and i simply have no appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, i was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go see a doctor."

The doctor confirm that i was pregnant. Now it became clear to me why i threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, i saw my hubby standing there. It had only been 3 days, but he looked haggard. I wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him abd my heart soften, i couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.

I told myself not to loom at him anymore, and hailed a cab. At that moment, i have such a strong urge inside of me to shout to my hubby that i was having his baby and he would lift me up and spin me in circles with joy. What i wanted didn't happen and as i sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't withstand the test of one fight? back home, i lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and i saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. he was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and teras started streaming down again. The next day, i did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a terrible traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time i found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby didn't look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and i couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed towards the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a lublic bus came and hit her....
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if i had not thrown up that day, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, i am indirectly the killer.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with strong liquor smell on him. And me, i am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, i saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words i have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I rather he hit me real hard or give me a big scolding though these happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, i passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, i saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, i understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, i entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stare hard at him, not even a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to sat to him, and there is no need to breathe any word.

The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hands and stopped her. He stared back at me challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if i had stood there any longer, i will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, hubby didn't come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Followig mother's death so did out love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that, i can tell that the cupboard had been touched- he had returned to take some of his stuffs.

I no longer wish to call call; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; i go for my medicals checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again everytime i see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, i told them no, i will now. I insisted on having this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, i came home and i saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it was all about wothout even having to look at it. In the two months plus pf living alone, i have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removing me hat and said: "You wait a while, i will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As i hang up my coat, i keep repeating to myself not to cry. I just refused to let the tears flow.

After i hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me. Without even looking at whatit says, i signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears anymore and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but is ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over to me, crying. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if i sprint, i could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated sorrry to me, i had originally thought that i could forgive him, but now i can't. That cold look in the the restaurant, the girl, i will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I have been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but i realised now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not be repeated. Other then the thought of the baby inside of me that would bring some warmth to my heart, i am totally cold towards him, i no longer eat anything he buys for me, i don't take any presents form him and i stopped talking to him. From the moment i signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, i will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, i can hear light sounds of groaning, i kept quiet. This used to be his tricks; last time, whenever i ignore him, he would fake illness and i will surrender and find out what is wrong woth him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that past; i cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby's groanings came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids likes to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but i am no longer moved by his actions. he has no choice to lock himself in his room and i can hear him typing away on his keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring on the following year late in the night, i screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the the room, its like he did not change and sleep and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran downstairs, stopped a car, holding my hands very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he does?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watched me go in, his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my pain.
Coming out of the delivery suite, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hands. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collasped onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain....He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his...I thought that i would never shed a tear for him, but the truth is, i have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby was discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he manage to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he discover he had cancer? Doctor reply about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, i went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and i had thought of that...the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, i have persisted, to be able to look at you before i fall, is my biggest wish now...I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only i can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy had written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion...Son, after writing these 200 thouasand words, i feel as if i have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you the most and also the one who loves me the most...."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby also wrote a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain i've caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because i want to see in a joyful mood waiting for the arival of our baby....My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and i would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, i'm afraid i cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give and when are all written on the packaging..." Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, i want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms.." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it. or reason it into staying, you can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it has to go.

3:28 am

Thursday, September 02, 2004

I just finish talking to remle, a friend whom i miss alot since he shifted to US. Told him what happen to me in the pass one to two years. Brought back memories, both painful and happy memories. Something that caught me eye as we were chatting, he mentioned about maybe he was broken when at that time we decided to split. Which might have cause him to become what he is now. Yes, sometimes i do think that i played a part it in. If i hasn't give in too much, the once almost perfect man would still earn his many respect today. No, i don't love him anymore, i am purely upset with my doings that has cause a almost perfect friendship to become like a those "that we do not speak of". Where was the friendship that i enjoyed the most once. I have been thinking maybe i would want to meet him up one of these days and talk to him. No, not to rekindled my feelings, well people might say, yes, he was one whom i really love with my whole life. I even formatted my life just to suit him. But not anymore. I only wanted to speak as a friend. No love to speak about doesn't mean that i have to lose a friend because of it. I still thank God that it happen, because i did really learn, and i save myself from a disaster. Cause i have been hurt, but yet i save myself in time to stop myself from experiencing eternal misery. Though my boyfriend now is a none christian, i knew he love me and i knew that i am the only woman that he dotes on. I thought to myself, maybe i should speak to him, probably it might help. I don't know, i am still comtemplating with the idea.

I am still praying and hoping that XR will one day finally give God a chance. I knew that it was God that gave XR to me. I knew it was God that send XR to me to be my angel to protect me and to dote on me. I knew it and everytime i thank God because i could tell it directly from XR's eyes. Eyes don't lie, whether a man loves you anot, is all in their eyes. I know everything will work out fine, one day.

1:09 pm

I am feeling extrememly depressed, disappointed. Call it the PMS. There is no tv for me to watch, can't even play a mp3 on my damn computer. Lonely as i can feel i am. I am feeling so terrible!!!!! PMS PMS!!!! Should be here anytime sooner..maybe tomorrow, my mood suddenly swing 180 degrees. Feel like smashing up everything that i can see, and that is why i am typing so profusely. DAMN IT!!!! I was pondering on what is the use of making it up for something that you can't do it today??? I need an accompany now!! And when i say now means now!! not tomorrow or the day after. How will i know if i still need it by then?? So what is the use of making it up for me some other day when i need it now and i don't get it and making it up on some day when i don't need?? To me i see it as pointless. I always believe in letting your yes be yes and no be no. Dun say yes then when i try to be understanding then you say no. SO what is the point in saying yes in the first place? So as to po( hokkien) that i will turn understanding and let you off?? But then again i am not angry, just flushing out all that i am feeling inside and hope that i can have a good night sleep and await that dragful period to come. You know is just a feeling. Who will feel good?? When a yes suddenly become a no? Who wouldn't feel disappointed? NAh, i am seriously not angry, this is MY blog and i type my thoughts in here...is just a thought anyway. Nah, i am a very understanding person, that's why i am not angry. But an understanding person still have emotions, and an understanding woman nearing her period will have even more bizzare emotions. So don't try to make it up, cos it serves no use. When i need it is not there, then forget about it. Apology accepted, but dun say you will make it up, cos once that disappointment is aroused, there is no turning back. Disappointment has been felt, case close.

PMS women rules the world, doing crazy things and getting upset at the most bizzare thing at the most unimaginable timing, is like leaving a happy woman and suddenly seeing her wanting to kill herself. Extremes. I finally understood Samantha(sex and the city), she would beam when she saw a delivery hunk and give him blow jobs on the spot, and give a constipated look when she goes back to the store to complain about how the vibrators have failed to give her pleasure. And beam again when she could give good advice to fellow customers on what kind of vibrators is suitable for them and then constipated again when she felt embrassed. She must have been having a bad day while she is filming and she don't look that old to be in menopause. She would probably be having PMS. The most destructive syndrome all woman will encounter. Cheers to PMS.

(p.s: I have totally no idea what i was typing..i am off)

12:26 am

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Hahaha, i got another teacher's day gift from my the other tuition kid. Wow, i didn't know that i was appreciated everytime i taught them. Hahahaha, i am flattered. Been a tiring day, but it was very fun. One of those weekdays where i enjoyed myself so much that even now i am so tired, i still feel very excited about it. Hahaha.

Had a tedious lab in the morning. Tedious yet i felt good, cos i manage to understand behind the logic of protocols and the OSI layers, how to decode, hmm....not so bad. Then after that i had lunch with my classmates and dear at a super duper hot coffeeshop. AK was there, not so bad, at least got talk to him abit, if not really feel so like...hmm, like don't know what to say that kind. Then guess what??? We saw Ng Wee Boon and Ling SS buying 4-D, hahahaha, even tease them if they win got our share anot.

After lunch, dear and me when to Sim Lim to buy his graphics card. It was a very hot and tiring noon, but i enjoyed myself le, maybe it is just beacause i am spending time with dear but i really love it. Spend the whole afternoon talking, walking, eating and eating!!! hahaha. Dear wanted to eat for "fun" so we walk to Selegi there, first we had buns, then we shifted to a neighbour store to eat soya beancurd, then to another neighbour store to eat prata. Hahaha, there goes my sliming plans. But i didn't eat alot la, few bites here and there.....Then cos it was still early, and we were stuck in Selegi and we couldn't do what we wanted to do, went to check out the hourly rates at K-box, then found it abit too "Bo Hua", so we ended up having a slizzing time eating a very sensational and slizzing Muddy Mudpie. Hahahaha ya, eat again, this time round i ate quite alot off the Mudpie. Is really the best!!! After that, we went to walk around then i decided to walk dear to Zen, we had a little stop at Funan, played some X-box hahahahaha then set off to Zen. And dear was so nice to send me to the Mrt station. I am trying my best to enjoy every moment i can with my baby. One more month from now, he will be going to the army soon, and we won't get to see each other as often as we want. Think i really gonna miss baby when he goes in.

Tomorrow i have a test, some business planning CDS. Wonder will it be hard anot. Or i can pass by just crapping my way through? Hahaha, ok i gonna study le, I am beginning to love this blog. Is so nice...hahahahaha love the skin.

10:12 pm

Welcome!

there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.
I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so..then that is just too bad.

It's Me

I love flowers.
I love pink.
I'm stubborn and messy; absolutely lazy.
I mahjong till dawn,
I shop till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm who i AM.
And a beautifully FAT one too.

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