Monday, May 30, 2005

10:42 pm

I aM Just SO damN tired, and my stomach Is jusT so DAmn Upset (is like twitching, and twisting and crumpling together) Arrgghh!!!!

10:13 pm

School started for a week aready..feeling very tired as homeworks are already piling up. And i still have my MP at the back of my mind. After starting school for one week, i realise i had to work doubly hard for myself. With the groupings i've got, it doesn't look good at all. And people have already started getting into their clicks and so on. Not that i felt out of the way, but i just got a feeling that i can't depend totally on them. And it seem like i have to do everything for my Computer Networking.

Still wondering how my MP is going to happen. None of my group members are showing the effort in wanting to carry on. And i felt like, i shouldn't be the only one, worrying about it. If no one cares, then dun care lor, Anyway, i can afford the time.

Having this thingy about team work now, can't seems to trust literally anyone. In fact in any aspect of my life. I've got this taken for a ride feeling. I have this tendency that the "the grass on the other side seems better thinking" meaning, it actually felt better, i should shut myself up and do everything by myself, in my own world.

Just watched the 5.30pm show. The 16 year old girl was under so much pressure that she went into depression which thus leads to mental health problems. At a point of the show, they show the girl going for conselling sessions and she couldn't speak or write down what she was thinking, so she drew a picture of a rainy day, and a little swallow was caught in the mid air flying through the heavy rain. I felt a moment of click when i saw it. Ok, not that i am hinting that i might be in depression, i just felt, u know... but i have always encourage people to verbalise what they are feeling on the inside, so as to get everything out and you'll feel much much better. I should be doing the same, and carry on embracing my life like how i have always been.

I always have my dada, doting on me, wanting to hear very single thing that i went through and comfort whenever i felt down. But i tend to overlook his, and he tend to overlook his own too. Many a times, things happen in camp, and he only tell me like 2 to 3 days after that. I just wanna let you know that i also want to share your unhappiness with you, even though you always say that there is nothing interesting in camp, i just want you to tell me the things that have happen to you. Every phonecall was only toking about me, i dun want that. I want to hear about you too. Remember to pop in more chocolates whenever u feel irritated or sad over the place or the people. I have always believe that you are place in PLAB for a reason. You always got the most tedious and most important task. To you, it might be "shit work" but, because you are the most hardworking among the other 3 that is posted into the camp with you. I never hear you taking MCs, and i seldom see you becos you always have important things to clear for your sergent. Whenever i ask you to take MC, becos everyone is throwing their work to you, you always say you can't just leave like that. And you still bare through every single thing without complain. To others, who take advantage of you becos of your kindness, others who might think you are just another "Sha Gua", but to me, you are another HERO, that i look up to. And i love you for having that character trait in you, and you always make me feel so small hearing what you do and stuff. Anyway, i am meant to be your "Xiao Nu Ren" ma. HEhehehe

Is just monday, and i feeling extermely tired after one whole day of school. I wanted to go jogging, but my mind and body is so tired that i am now stuck on my chair and could simply just doze off here.

Forgive me, if my entries becomes little. School is making me crazy. I feel like drinking, anyone?

6:47 pm

Thursday, May 26, 2005

I just came back from a dinner with bigbig, qingy and mr D'. Ok la, not just but a few hours le, been having this difficulty in sleeping. was thinking i might as well dun sleep and tired myself out so i can sleep earlier tomorrow.

Anyway, back to the outing, i actually enjoyed myself. But i think i was showering much more attention on my big then qingy and mr D'. Yap, we went on a double date. Cannot blame me, cos i hasn't been spending quality time with my bigbig, so i naturally will lean more on him then ever. But nonetheless, i enjoyed myself alot!! I always love seeing and meeting up friends whom i love dearly. I do hope all of us had a great time. But bigbig and me felt bad, as qingy and mr D' had to rush for the last bus. Sorry ar, we make ur stayed out so late. Next time need to leave early just let me know ok? anyway, i always love hanging out with you guys la. Hahahahaha. So nice. Lets arrange another one soon.

There are still many whom i wish to hold dearly out there and i hasn't had the time to hang out and know how are all of you getting on with your lives, u know who you are. Lets arrange to meet up soon.!!

2:52 am

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Now waiting in lab, using the com, trying to do maths and waiting for 3pm to come so that can go for my NE talk. Which i can't hardly wait for it to come, cos it only means i can get to see my dada faster!! Hahahaha.

Dada is so cool today, he got half day off. Looking at the time now, is 1:42pm, and he is at home resting already!! So shiok right?? But i think he deserves it, his been working so hard for the past week. He deserve the break!

Quick! I wanna clear my NE credit!!!

1:41 pm

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

What a crap to start school this way! I was late for my first lesson!! So much for wanting to wake up early, walk to school as morning exercise and wanting a clean record! Yes!! i was late!! Arrgghh!! I was so mad at myself!!

I was wanting to wake up at 6.30am everyday. Becos out of 5 days, i had 3 8am lessons. So i thot i want to tune my body clock back to the normal sleeping time. Then given that my lessons start at 10am. I will have time to go for a morning jog. But in the end, everything didn't happen. I woke up frantically at 9.30am. And i was late for 20mins for my first APEL lesson. I was having difficulty in sleeping last night, i toss and turn till 3++ am when i finally fell asleep. I even took a pill which will make me go drowsy, but it all didn't work. And so i thot, is ok, since i slept late, i shall still wake up early, so that i can tired myself out the next day and sleep early. Ok, the silly me shouldn't have trusted myself. SHIT!

Even though i don't have lessons, tml, i am still going to make myself wake up at 6.30am. Go jogging and head back school to do my project! I MUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!

I had a pretty crap or i can say bad day. Firstly was me myself being late. Next, i realise i didn't have much in my pocket after having to take a cab to school. Then i had to go get my maths text which cost me to have a hole in my pocket. A WHOPPING $7.50!! ANd then i am only left with $2 bucks for lunch. then during Dcode class, i was make to take in a peer whom i am very skeptical about. I mean i really hope she dun read this. Whoever wants to know who issit, just ask me directly ba. ok, i know i am being a bad person here. But seriously, with her reputation, i was really skeptical in accepting her. But i felt so bad when the lecturer had to come and ask me directly right in her face that i have to nod my head. And the rest of my group members just pretended that they didn't hear a single thing! I mean, not that i have anything against her la, but u know with all the people talkings and things like that, u just won't want to accept her if u have a choice. Then the third thing that happen to me is, i realise my ez link is flat with zero dollars. And i had to bare with my growling stomach and walk all the way back home. I felt like arrgghh!!!!! But mankid made my day, he treated me witha cup of bubble tea! So nice!

(ps: to 090783 and 180983, sorry. Lets stop thinking about the whole matter. ANd not let it happen again ba. Sorry again.)

11:14 pm

Monday, May 23, 2005

Alright!! Worship me for my cranky, snobbish attitude!!! I am just the straight-forward kind. While i hate people stepping on my toes, i do step in theirs. But hey, i do apologise to. Sorry.

But then, let me say maybe you might need to apologise to. Put urself in my shoes, u might undertstand how exactly i feel. I LITERALLY hated when u guys cancel and cancel outings on me literally. There have never been once, one thing is said, planned nicely, then off we go!! Ok, maybe not ALWAYS. BUT if u come to think of it. Everytime u guys cancell outings, i happen to be involved. And everytime, u guys had actually a outing last minute plan or whatever. I was never informed till later.

Imagine you being me. How would u feel? How Literally would you feel? Please tell me?? I am very dumb in my social ettiqutte or whatever u call that. Oh yeah, i am bad in PR. WHen i am angry, i tell u i am angry. When i am sad, i tell u i am sad. When i am happy, i wouldn't need to tell you. U could tell the moment u see me.

Guess i do lose some and gain some in a certain way. I just can't take it anymore when i had to lower my expectations so much on my beloved friends. Having to not take hours beforehand so that i can bring my best to show them, make up nicely, dress nicely to meet them up. Becos i have to expect them to cancel on me last min? I actually feel terrible. I felt terrible that i couldn't give u a confirmation becos i have to expect that u have a high chance in cancelling something u were toking about so excitedly over the week. U knew already that i was coming even if my stupid mouth says "see how Lor"

When i plan to meet you. The whole day is meant for you. U cancel at the last hour makes me feel naked and lost at the very last. Imagine i had already dress nicely, on my way out to meet another person so that we both can make our way down for the outing. LAst minute u tell me cancel how do u expect me to feel? Don't say, both of you can still go out and have fun what. In the first place, that spirit is dampen. Where the hell will fun come? Though i am a stupid PBL student. Like i say, i am stupid. I may be a PBL student, that doesn't mean i can be customed to problem scenerios everytime 24/7. I am only human. And yes, i am stupid to have trusted and trusted and trusted, that my friends are truely wanting to spend time with the fu*King me attitude me. U tell me if i really have to not trust anyone from now on. And put on the mindset that all outings planned before hand will be cancelled. But i am not brought up to think that way. Please tell me how to do it.

Something i do know, when i do extremely feel terrible and would like o do something else. I will still turn up for outings i say i will make it. ( of cos i failed one or two but all these doesnt happen everytime). Even if i am cranky, i will make sure that i turn up and crank everyone of you up. SOrry that me. Tell me that u don't like it. I will stay away from you.

I dunnoe what to say now. One incident alone can cause my whole trust system to go alittle downside. Maybe all these are retributions to all my bad doings. Ok i deserve it. And one point proven from now on. That is, i have a "FLY ME AEROPLANE" face. Everyone single one is flying aeroplane on my behalf. Alright i deserve it. Happy?

I seriously have no idea what else to say, other then that i miss my bigbig so much, so that i hated RSAF to the core.

3:13 am

Friday, May 20, 2005

Ok..i wanted to tag..but i realise i will spam my own tag board. So i might as well make it a entry!! Hehehehe

Firstly, time table out! Actually not as packed as what cheerene says. But yes, i got everything meaning this will be my last semester!! YEAH!!! and i still got wednesday free (but i guess this wed free will be taken up by MP). mon is 8-5, only one hr break, tue 10-3, one hr break in between 3 lessons, thu 8-5, one hr break only. Fri 8-3, no break. Considering so, all those 8-5 one is not so siong. Cos whole day is the same lesson. ANd in CEN u get alot of breaks in between lessons!! HAhahahaaha the only siong day is fri, cos whole day all diff lesson and no break in between. But ok la. I quite like my time table. At least i dun have those 3-4 or even 6 hrs break.

Secondly, my piles expert friend daphne, told me to monitor my condition. It may heal on its own. Take just enough fibre and drinks lots of water. Cos i eat alot of veg nowadays, only eat salad and nothing else. Which is not good. Too much fibre will cause the stool to harden. So just enough. Plus my bleeding is not alot kind. A little bit only. So ask me to monitor if problem still persist then go see doctor. Yap!!

Thanks for letting me know that u guys love and care for me!! I am so blessed!! HAhahaha I love everyone one of you ok!! HEhHEHEHEHE

6:51 pm

Thursday, May 19, 2005

I mean, time really flies very fast. Is already may, and i am starting school next week. I thought it was just yesterday that i was being sent to CITEL to work as a attachment student. Cool. I have already finished my SIP and now awaiting for my last semester timetable. (actually pray hard that they will give me everything la)

Been passing motion with blood. I dunnoe whats wrong with me. Bigbig ask me if i feel pain. But not at all leh. Wonders why.

2 more hrs before i receive my timetable. God please bless me and give me a good want.

12:07 pm

Monday, May 16, 2005

Was that entry particularly directed at me? i felt it was though. But i was really angry. Maybe i was harsh. Let me apologise for it. Sorry. But i was really upset. When i saw those sms. I arrange it with you so long ago. And i felt i am no longer important to you already. DOes it mean that when u have a special someone, all the rest of your friends are not important already? I dun think so. I still make apoint to spend time with every single one of my friends every week. Plus, that appointment was a different one. Not the usual hangout thingy. It does hurt alot thinking about it. That's why i never like when pple tells me, "you have xr to acc you mah." the point is, i wanted to spend time with everyone. That's why i was very dishearten everytime u all cancel a meeting.

Learnt something from pst phil. Have a heart that is willing. Maybe i am not willing enough. Serve everyone with a open heart. Happy and willing. Even if it seems pple are making use of me. I never will know maybe what i was doing might trigger a major event that might happen due to the certain thing i do with a willing heart. Like the rachel in the bible. Becos of her wilingness, she was made the candidate for issac. Cool.

Alot of things have been going on. Stress, project cant finish, school starting. Not that i dun have friends, not that i have friends leaving me. If you want to...i can't stop you. But there is a group of friends i have made the choice to leave them for good. Values different, why stay on?

I need pple who understand me. Who won't forsake me when i need them. Who won't just think that i have xr is good enough. Becos everyone is equally as important. The difference between my friends and xr is..that xr can come into a intimate terms with me.

I need to refresh myself. Destress before i let stress pile up on me again. refresh so that i won't cut anyone's leg when they step on my toes.

2:33 pm

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I am totally convince of the phrase "bad things do happen to good people" I totally am.

Been chasing the show "the amazing race 7" Wow!! completely blown my mind away!! Have been hoping that Uchenna & Joyce will win the race. And they ultimately did. My heart drop a few times when they met with obstacles that if miracles don't happen, they will never going to win. God is truely good. Though He lets bad things happen to good people. But He also make sure that the good will be rewarded big time. In this case a whooping 1 Million dollars!!!!!!

12:44 am

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

i am quite sad and disappointed after one whole blog entry i dedicated, and no one says something..it goes to show how popular i am..

I had a set of thoughts earlier..and i hurled it all out to bigbig, i am sorry for putting you through all these, but i want to tell you how appreciative i am to have you being always there for me, whenever i need to get those thougts of mine out of my mind.

Was wondering earlier if there is a major problem in the friendship that i am offering people or maybe i do expect a tad too high. I guess, ya, like what bigbig says, why he couldn't bring himself to like writing blogs, becos he is not the kind to say things out. I do udnerstand that. But i guess, by putting it here on my blog is the only way i can get somethings across to those i would love to let them know but wouldn't know how to open up my mouth to.

Actually, i was quite puzzled and hurt at some points when i hear that u people do go out and play without telling me. No, it isn't a huge problem here. I dun really care becos i am not always free. I have my own commitments. But it hurts when i realise that u poeple meant to keep it away from me. I am not dumb. I have eyes to see and ears to hear.

So it points down to maybe i am not welcome in the group at all. So then why come to me when u have ur own problems? My friendship isn't cheap at all. I do expect somethings too. The truth is i always felt out of the place. In the past was still alright. But till a certain was attached to another certain someone in the same group (in the first place how did we end up in the same group? i thot it only have 5?) Nah, i still love to see both of you get together. U are compatible. Very infact. But i felt out of the place eversince. So and so with so and so, so so with so so, ger with guy. I am all alone. How did the guys come into an all gers group in the first place? I am very puzzled.

I can't act. And i don't act very well. I have my flaws, and if there is really some flaws that you pple can't accept. Then u guys are really good actors. I have nothing to say.

In one night, i know who are the people i should depend, and who i shouldn't depend.

And, never ask me to be the planner, i knew this long ago. The reason why i refuse, and i would never pick up the role as the initiator( If there is such a word) is becos, you pple have been meeting up without me what. So what for do i take the initiative to organise things?

And i do understand why So and so says she feels better with so and so...ya, becos, u have the same mindset, same lifestyle maybe?? I could never, becos i will will break out of this current mindset and lifestyle that i have. Ya, i will never cross the line. So u and i will only be superficial friends. Thats what u may mean. So there wasn't a need for you to explain u actually was the pple's friend And the first person to draw out would be so and so. Nah, u were the first one. Now i understand why u say is tough. Becos u refuse to open up.

To so and so, whom i feel i have lost eversince something new happen in her life. I realise i never have anything better to tok to you abt eversince that new thing happen. Whenever we are out, i always felt i am out alone. like i lost a friend. But still is a happy thing. Losing me will be better.

I am actually tired of this all superficial thing. I cannot tahan in this kind of place. I need real friends. And of cos, i know who are the ones who accepted me for who i am, the beloved ones who always cared for me and love me for everything i have and love me for those i dun have.

I am not a good actress. Let it all end here tonight. Dun look for me if u think i am not worth any of ur friendship. And come to think of it, if everything is gonna end here, i will be quite heart pain for that 100 bucks i lost for nothing just to cheer someone up.

Maybe thats what life is all about. U lost some, u gain some. I benefitted too in any cause. Thanks for all those little treats and car rides i gotten from all of you. I am not a good actress and i tend to get tired after i act for a while. My pain and tiredness shall end here. Cheerios.

2:12 am

Monday, May 09, 2005

Have been having sleepless nights again. Was just thinking about the past and everything..literally from the first thing that i could remember..I plan to wake up early for a morning jog, but i think i had to get everything out of my mind before i can sleep peacefully..

Was just wondering how would my life be if things didn't take a turn for worse 2 years back. But come to think of it, if things didn't happen the way they had, i wouldn't have come to where i am now, and be the person that i truely wanted to be. There are many people that played a part in my life story till now, they have made up one whole part of me...

** My beloved Irene and Vanessa, this 2 gers i knew, all my life. 19 long years. I didnt't know of anyone, in my circle of friends, have had such a long friendship. We went thru everything together, literally even studied in the same school. These 2 gers are the ones that never left me, they are the ones that refuses to let me be alone when i was at my lowest point in life. 19 long years, cheers to our friendship, cheers to the lives that we are all living now, You are the ones that i will never ever let go till the day i die. Becos i know, i can count on you in everything i do.

** My closest Buddy Xinyu and Johnson, this comic couple here are the ones i grew up in church with. And they never left me since then. They are the ones that i look up upon to as a shoulder to lean on, a advisor in times of need. My steamboat kaki, and their love for people, and for each other, is one that i look upon to and learn my lessons from there. They are the ones, that i can count on to give the best advise.

** My dear daphne, this silent supporter of mine, always there when i needed someone. Her character amazes me, she has this, "I will go the extra mile" attitude towards everyone. And i love her for tht. She was the one tht influence me on my love for cute little dogs.

** The handsome prince in my life Ma XianRong aka Bigbig aka dude aka horse. I have countless things whenever it comes to him. I can talk about him all day. I am so thankful for your love for me, when i was at my lowest, u told me u didn't mind what i was going through, you hug me and told me everything is over, everything is alright. Since then, u took over the role of protector, and have never failed since day one. I know u will not fail, and i know you are doing your best in giving the best for me. I love you. And would never exchange you for anything else. I can lose all things, but i have to keep you by my side. I was reminded of the beginning of our relationship, we quarelled over the slightest things, i gave you cold shoulder over the slightest things, but we always kiss and made up in the end. And through every experience, we learnt how to love each other in a better way, and our love has never stop growing since day 1. Our story will never end the way i want, becos our love will never end. I love you for being the half of me.

** Qingy. My best buddy in poly. You know, i was kind of afriad that i will leave poly without making any true friend. But yes, i made one. Qingy. I picked up her frequency in school and we clicked from then on. I don't know about her, but i love all the chit chat sessions we had, she was the only one that has filled up the void when XR was not around for me. She encourage me whenever i needed it. She is just this one unique friend with that unique personality of hers. Way to go!! cheers for being my friend.

** Jenny ger, Sherry baby, and Justina darling. My gang of gers including qingy. I forgot how i got to join them. I was the extra and join them as the 5th one during my SIP. I will never forget the times i had with them in school. We will sit in the canteen, and gossip till the cows go home. I never stayed in school till 6 plus pm unless i need to. But their friendship made me stay in school till the longest time i could ever remember just to chit chat and gossip. I love their company, they are the greatest kakis God can ever give me.

** Cheerene, Chris and Jiahua, their friendship, i earn when i got attached to bigbig. I learn alot of things whenever we got together and chat. Our mac seesions till it closes, i will always remember.

**Andrew Chong, dun think i have forgotten you. Your marvellous friendship, and that super genius brains, always push me to study hard. Your notes are power, and u really, inspire me to sit and study study and study.

** Lim Weili, the one i hated the most in current time. He is the only one out of everyone, keep asking me to go and die for every other reason. Hahahahaa. He is a great friend i must say. Always offering his time whenever i am bored. And i always enjoyed my time with him. Eh friend, one day ar...when i really die...please dun cry for me hor...hahahahahahhaha

** Cho Kaien, wah lau, what will happen to me if i didn't have you in my group!!! I enjoy all the crapping times, slacking times.. Hahahaha one more sem!!! Jia you!!!

** Weide, ManKid and Tommy. Go Ktv, play pool buddies, they are the best!!!

** Tan Tzehui. Always wanted to say a big sorry for that ugly icq chat we had once. I couldnt appreciate all your efforts. But i am very glad you found that special someone who will appreciate everything that you do. I want to say a thank you too, for the efforts u made in the past. They are, truely deeply appreciated.

** Bryann To. surprising?? hahahaha come to think of it, yeah u really did played a part in my life in the recent years. Both good and bad. Something that i have always wanted to say to you since..that is i am sorry for "shouting" over the phone at you, that one fateful day. Now i think back, though, i was authorize to be angry at you, but i guess i shouldnt have did tht still. And something that i have always felt regret is that i lost this friendship ever since. One more thing i would like to say to you was, actually i really wanted you to be happy during those times. I am happy now to see that you are. And i am leading a very happy and blissful life too. And i want you to treasure the love that u have now. and i hope to hear bells ringing from you soon hahaha. Yeah. You were my best friend for 6 of my growing up years. They will be part of my happy memories.

** Bro Benson, The one that always remind me and encourage me to sing, inspire me to use my musical talents. I will never forget this mentor.

**Samuel Liao. This is one brother i manage to make just before he left for his further studies. This one patient man in life, is so ever caring, patient with everything and everything. Accepts me for who i am. One friend i will bring thru my whole lifetime.

**Superman chau. The one handsome buddy i ever had in my life. And he still is. My movie kaki, coffee kaki, deep talks kaki. Though we seldom meet up now, due to busy schedules, i know we will catch up again very soon. Hey i kind of miss you ok..so better ring me up soon.

**Koh. His the one that will always make me remember of my 4 years F&B experience. And also the only that i stayed contact with till now. Though he always suan me, but he is a great company and he taught me alot of things. About the other side of life, the other side of men.

I can't think of any more pple to include. I will when i remember any. I am so tired now.

2:20 am

Sunday, May 08, 2005

I am so touched by the love the late Dr Wee Kim Wee shared with his wife. I was so touched as i read the article on "A painful parting wife"

4:15 am

I LOVE MY DUDE AKA MY BIGBIG!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!! AND IS OUR 14TH MONTH TOGETHER!!!! *MUACKS MUACKS* LOVE U LOTS LOTS

12:57 am

Friday, May 06, 2005

3:35 am

Wow, had a teriffic week. So many things happen, and i got to know alots of things, I dun really know what to say. Maybe, i shouldn't have known anything in the first place. Alot of things if left unsaid, would be so much better. But yet, it is a good thing that u have known certain things.

I have never drank water till i vomit. This is the first time. I swear i am never going to drink ice holicks again. I got a terrible sore throat. Arrghh!!! pray hard that is not my throat ulcer again. I hate it!!!!!

Bigbig was so sweet, he made something for me just to make me feel happy. The picture was so cute!! Anyone wants to see it let me know lor... hehehe.

Was reminded of 1 corinthians my fav verse of my whole time.

3:00 am

Welcome!

there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.
I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so..then that is just too bad.

It's Me

I love flowers.
I love pink.
I'm stubborn and messy; absolutely lazy.
I mahjong till dawn,
I shop till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm who i AM.
And a beautifully FAT one too.

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