Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I am beginning to miss Dada. Hasn't got to really talk to him these few days. He had his OC night yesterday, so by the time he called me was very late already, and i was busy singing, as in not that i wanted to sing and not pick up his call, cos we were singing in hall, so is not just me and my friends alone, there are other clubbers around, so not very nice, and he was too tired to call me back....then today he was very tired also, could hear from his voice. So quickly go let him sleep...Thank God, today is wed..and thu is only 45mins away. So soon, will get to see my baby soon. >_<
I love dada.
11:08 pm
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
3:15 pm
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I am going to slack around for one more week, before i get myself busy again...Cool...wanna sleep all i can...but planning to hit a more normal clock....so gotta sleep around 10+ 11pm latest latest say 12am. Then wake up in the morning around 9am then do my things, watch tv, then have a 1-2 hrs nap in the noon, then in the night is as usual.
Opps, i forgot to call my kid up to ask him about his exam results. Apparently the other kid didn't do well. She fail 2 subjects but pass in her overall. Don't know why also, i tried to help her le, cos i realise she is actually very very very good when it comes to her homework and everything, and she tends to freak out during major tests and exams. Sometimes, i wonder if she is normal also. She won't talk, basically just dun talk, even if you ask her a simple question. She can even take half an hour to tell me what she had for oral the other day!!! But nonetheless, i did my best, plus i think she had fever during her exams, so beats me?? i don't intend to continue with her anyway. Hopefully my the other smart kid will pass with satisfactory results. *prays hard*
Dada called me yesterday, could tell from his voice that he is so super tired after that 16km march. I am so touched that he still squeeze his last energy to call me, and i couldn't bear but to shoo him to sleep. 2 more weeks dear, you will POP le. Jia You!!! I go buy those foot spa and massaging essentials from bodyshop then this saturday you book out i help you massage k??
Actually i can't wait for school to start, at least i have my friends around me. So nothing to do everyday, and is wasting time and my money( cos nothing to do, kept going out.)
Next week, will be going to KL. Can't wait also, cos is gonna be my first time travelling oversees with my friends. First time ok?? for the past 21 years. Ok, i did go over to Johor for seafood before, for that one day only lor....now is different, is gonna be 3 days 2nights. Haha. Can't wait sia.
1:40 pm
I Need to get back to my normal Bio-clock system!!! I thought i have finally changed back my clock cos i slept at 9pm yesterday night and woke up at around 10am today. Though it was pretty long sleep, but i woke up here and there during the night to visit the toilet. But the hours are still considered healthy. Then today, the clever me decided to changed my blogskin, and i tell myself that i have things to update. But now....is already like 4am!!!! Wasted my efforts sia.
Anyway, i quite like this current blogskin. Hahaha.
I have lots to update. But i am so tired now, and am lazy to do it. All i can say is that i have finally made that decision after so long..almost a year. I am so tired already. Tired of being the strong ger that i have always be. I wanna surrender and tell everyone that i cannot take it anymore. I want to rest. I did.
Irene say that i might lose some of my friends. I shall see...if the friendships will still be in existance due to my decision.
But i must say that my decision is not permenant. I just need a while. How long is awhile. I am not sure.
I just need to say that my decision has got nothing to do with xianrong. My relationship with him has never been an issue actually. Those who knew what was going on, thought it was due to him. Only irene understands. She was the only one who knew exactly why i made that decision. Not bad for someone i knew all my life. I am very glad. And i know this is one friend that i can depend on, for the rest of my life no matter where am i. I treasure and love this friendship. Thanks alot!!!
She asked me if i was hurt. The answer is yes. I was. Hurt and dissappointed. And i have been trying my best to overcome it for the past one year. I am tired. My breakthrough never come. I am disappointed with myself the most at this point. *shakes Head* i am too much of a failure eh?? no wonder i have to repeat maths for so many times. Just purely dumb some might say.
Sleepy, tired. I want to sleep.
3:53 am
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Recently have learnt and picked up a good game of pool. Is marvellous!! WIth 2 very good teachers teaching me. Hahahaha. And i am having so much fun sia. Then i keep winning weide. Hahaha and the funniest part is that he is one of my teacher!! hahahaha. Make him so lao kui, cos i keep winning him. Wahahahahaha
I had spent a fulfilling 5 days with my dada. Is really a full 5 days. After that saga on wednesday, when i cried like a baby cos, i mention the fact that i wanna be his baby for the rest of his life, i think we have fallen in love all over again. And no one else but him in this world will care enough to whisper into my ears that i look so cute when i am "sa-jiao-ing" + whinning + pouting all at the same time.
For the first time in my whole life, i was rejected entry into my own church service. Haha, was quite pissed actually, but come to think of it, i can't really blame anyone but myself becos i came pretty "early" (service started at 7.30pm and i reached around 6.45pm) which was clearly very late as people are already packed in at "i don't know what time". Cos by the time i reached, all the doors are closed, and the ushers are fighting with the sistic people to allow more people to come in. So i was dutifully queuing, and finally when i saw a ray of hope (becos i am already at the door already), the ushers came out telling us at the North gate, that we have to shift to the east gate, and they will direct all of us in from there. By the time all the "Northers" reached the east, we realised that it was a bad move. As there were lots more people at the east gate, and me, being the first in the north queue, now has become the last few in the east queue, so by the time i reached the middle, a very suave and handsome pastor derek came out and apologise to all of us, gave us all 20bucks worth of rides coupons + a flyer which will allow us priority seating for the next service which is on the next day. I tried hanging around longer, but had to give up in the end, so i headed back to dada's hse to watch it online, and plus i was feeling faint, think it was due to the runnings in the rain for the past few days.
Ok, here it goes again, feeling so restless again, think the fever gonna come again. Sianz. And my poor dada is outfield doing his SIT test.
Oh ya!!!!!! i have fallen in love with the baby in "the incredibles" He's SO CUTE!!!!!!!! i wanna my baby in future to be as cute as him!!!! I saw it at Toys-r-us, and i can't keep my hands off it!!! and i know macdonalds is gonna have the toy coming in for happy meal!! yeah!! i am going to buy it!! and weide say he maybe able to get the poster for me!!! wahahahaha!!! yeah yeah!!!!!!
I am going to dream if the baby tonight..........
11:50 pm
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Thanks to my gang of friends, sherry, weide and mankid. And of cos, xr himself who made the effort. We had a good talk. Things are fine now.
Understand that he is too tired sometimes, to even assure me of his love for me. I didn't mind. All the while since day one he went in to serve, i have been trying my best, doing things for him, buying gifts for him. Travelling down all the way to fetch him and see him off. I mean i was willing to do everything for him. And plus, with him not always around, i have to fight those negative thoughts myself. The main thing was i was fighting a fear of him suddenly dump me aside and tell me that he no longer loves me for no apparent reason. Throught out the time since he went in. I was reminded of the past. What happen in the past. Where i put in and gave me everything to a man and suddenly he just turn around in a few weeks and say he no longer loves me just becos he no longer loves me.
I became afraid. Very very afraid. And since the day he went in, it just seems like the things i do are never good enough, the gifts are never good enough, etc. I tried my best in doing everything i could, just to make sure that he is happy, but it seems like is of no use. So i became more depress. Especially those weeks where he couldn't call me at all. I have to juggle between exams and everything else. Tuition pile up, i became super stress up. But he was nowhere in sight. And when i finally make it thru those weeks and see him for the one weekend, i was happy, i knew he was tired, so i didn't bring up the matter. I thot, is ok, just another 3 more days, he will be able to book out and enjoy a good 5 day holiday so i can spent and make up for all the time i wanted.
But i guess i was devastated when i heard that he wanted to go out with his mates on the night he books out. I actually plan something up for him. I didn't mind him going out with his mates, though i dun really like those places, but i was ok, but suddenly it became apparent to me that he didn't want me to tag along. So i went "crazy". couldn't understand the point is tht if he really misses me as his gf, when he is in camp, then already, i dun get to spent alot of time with him, though he calls me everyday for the few mins. I cant get my emotional needs met in that short time. So here i was happily waiting for him at the interchange despite my terrible tummy cramps, i just waited, stood there and wait till i see him. Guess what? When i got to see him, the next thing i knew was, he is not going to spent time with me despite me waiting there eagerly, he wanted to bond with his mates whom he sees everyday, sleeps with everyday.
So suddenly it hit me tht his mates have become more important then me, his gf. He wanted to spent time with his mates whom he sees everyday, and not spend time with me. SO i began to question myself. (but before tht i already had a very SUAY Day before hand. today was so super suay. First, i got myself all wet, just the moment i was walking out to my busstop. it didn;t start from small drizzle, it just poured suddenly, then next after getting all wet, i realise that my "auntie" came visit me. What a good timing. then i had a terrible tummy cramp. But i still went to fetch him from the interchange)
Just imagine you were me. How would you react? ALL of a sudden, i began to indulge in those negative thoughts again. i cried all my way home. Recalling, and the more i recall, the more i felt like i am a failure.
But everything should be fine, my good friends saw me, knew something was wrong, wanted me to be happy, called him up, gave me a surprise where he suddenly sprang up beside me. Went to the beach, and surprisingly tonight there were alot of stars, we had a good talk. Then we went back, everything went back to normal, but i had to walk around with big and swollen eyes.
4:02 am
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Is everything going to end? Have i ruined everything that i have and have caused them to go away from me? I have no idea. I know that i have tried my best. Put the best that i know how to be the best that i can be, and to give you the best. But if after all these things that i have done, have made you feel pressured. Then i am sorry. Don't always say that i don't know army life is tough. Ya, maybe i dun really know till i go through it. But i have tried my best i know how, to love you more, to give you the best. That's the only way i know to be the gf that you could be proud of. I always want you to be happy when you book out, becos i know is tough inside. But there is nothing that i know in my brains to lessen that pain other than to believe in myself that i am a important person to you, and by letting myself to be the first person that you see every week when you book out, so that when you see someone you love you will be happy, And by encouraging you, asking how ur week inside, i thought i can bring a sense of hope and strength for you to last through another week. I tried my best to do something for you every week. And looking forward to see you have been the best time that i will ever enjoy throughout the week. I will go all the way to arrange my tuition so that it will not clash with me going down to fetch you. Even if it means i have to travel alot more times, i didn't mind. As long as i could be there for you. I will do anything.
I needed someone to care for me too. Maybe i have lost my love to army. I am no longer care for by the man i love. And i no longer feel important to him anymore. He wants to spen more time with his army mates, people whom he sees 5 days a week 24x5hrs a week. Becos they are his new best friends, and they are fun to be with. So where do i stand now? not at all in your heart? have i become a nuisance to you? I can barely see you for only 2 a week. And yes you do call me, but only for that few minutes. I tell myself that i will understand. And i do understand. But where were you when i needed you most. Where were you when i needed someone to hold on to? I feel so empty. SO unappreciated.
But i think i'll never blame you. Becos, maybe i am not really the one that you love. I am sorry if i have pressured you in anyway, by me loving you. I am sorry. Probably i dun deserve evevrything that is good. Becos they will always leave me in the end.
Maybe i am not worth of being love at all. That's what the first one did to me. And maybe this one too. What i have always wanted will never come to pass. The things that i love the most will always have to leave me. Maybe i am just some dirt off the floor.
Why? becos i do not see that i have done anything wrong to deserve this. Most of the time is becos simply they dun love me anymore.
10:05 pm
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I don't know why. I totally have no mood to study. No not no mood, is totally cannot concentrate. I don't why i kept worrying for no apparent reason. Suddenly like hit by the depression spell. I cried myself to sleep last night. And i am so damn tired. I kept pondering on a question. But i know i am too silly to even think about it. But the truth that it has been gripping me since last night. Arrgghh!! I am so damn tired. Shit. I am in library now. And i have totally no idea where to start.
Cool. I like the computer in library. The screen fits me nicely and the keyboard is so nice to tyoe on.
Arrgghh!!!!!
9:59 am
Monday, November 01, 2004
The weather has been very bad recently. Especially these few days. When it rains, it REALLY rains, and when its not, it feels that Hou Yi didn't do his job at all and the 10 suns are still up there burned veryone with its sorching heat. I couldn't help but kept thinking of dada, cos mel told me i better pray hard for dada cos this few weeks are the worst field camp his OC has ever conducted. And is getting to me that i keep asking my study mates weird questions.
Someone told me today that hardships are inevitable in army. Is like 2years out of ur whole life is taken out to suffer. I took it in that way though. But it does impact me alittle.
In the past, i used to know, and i do know that army is tough. Very tough. But i only know them in my head. I don't actually know what hardship was. What is call TOUGH. Everyone says is tough, so i say is tough. And i never really knew till dada went into army. Till the day i saw dada cried and till the day when mel came back and told me all about his field camp.
I could actually feel the pain when both of them are sharing what they went through during the week. How mel felt like his feet was tearing apart due to muddy walks in the forest and the heat rash that he experience due to the heat of the sun. I couldn't contact dada, i suddenly wanted to call dada right away to ask him how is he only to realise that he is nowhere contactable and i am left wondering here.
I have always asked God why He place me at where i am today. I always feel like i am deprived of female companionship. I face guys, get surrounded by guys 7days a week, my classmates are all guys of cos there are females, those 1 or 2, and my cg consists of all guys with just a mere 6 females. Gosh! is never fun to hang out with guys 7 days aweek. That explains why i always get so excited when there is female companion around.
But i do realise now, why i am at where i am. Cos i never knew what men really are. I always think that men are created to protect women, pamper women, help women take things, help women buy food, buy women gifts etc. But i do realise that God created Eve to be a companion to Adam. To lighten his burden of having to look after the garden of eden. Of cos, Adam is the in-charge. Eve only exist to be a good companion to Adam. Of cos, that doesn't mean that men don't have to love women and pamper them anymore. There must be a BALANCE.
Sisters in church esp, in CHC, pst especially looks after the sisters. And brothers in church are "train" to help sisters take things, open doors, buy food etc. And i do know of sisters who would get angry if the brother didn't rise up to that expectation.
Of cos, I am not saying that men should now stopped doing anything. But i just do think that we should stop taking the brothers for granted. I learn to stop taking the brothers for granted. I do not expect anymore that they must open the door for me or help me take my things. Becos it is not as if i can't handle. Of cos, if it is heavy, i would ask for help. But i would not get angry or upset if they don't.
I was so touched when my cg guys wanted to cook us lunch after cg. I mean, i felt like we should be the one doing it. They have such a tough week in camp and finally when they could get to enjoy themselves, they want to cook for us. I was so touched. Really am.
Now i learn to appreciate them more. Help them if there is anyway that i could. To think about the amount of strength, engergy, brain power, determination and courage to go through army. No wonder you are man and i am not.
So now, i do try to help dada as and when if i could. Of cos, i dun turn around and become his "Maria" but i help him out alittle. If he needed rest, i will do the work. And i so think that sometimes, we woman should pamper our man just as how they pamper us. Whether is between couples or friends.
I salute you, all those men who have pulled through and those that are going through army. Those that has arose to become real man in life.
(p.s: and i shall love my dear dear more.)
10:07 pm
