Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Hey Kay, thanks..your "you are so much more than what u feel u are." Had a little impact on me.
I think many times, i actually limit myself to who i think i am, and what i think (or others think) i should do. Years of people meeting, years of friendship making, comments i've heard, had mould me into someone who is very conscious of oneself. I'll think of what i want to say, and after i say it, i will question myself if that was proper, and if i feel that its not, i will find ways and means to explain myself, or to 'redeemed' to the so called 'error'. And that, often leads to weird behaviours from me.
I guess i am feeling so restricted with who i am, what i am doing, where i am, what i should do, and these have been weighing down on me pretty much.
I feel like crying many times, but not many of these times, did i succeed to shed those tears. Only once after so long i guess, that was when i broke down in office after that fateful call from that monster customer. But i guess, me breaking down was not purely because he was difficult to handle, because i usually don't give a damn to diffcult customers, and will simply shut them off by telling them "Thank you for calling, have a nice day...toot....toot..toot". But that fateful day was because i was at my lowest point, and that episode was just a catalyst to cause that breakdown to happen.
I felt the same way again today. But i was zombified. I was drifting around like a real ghost queen. Big in size, long and messy reddish hair, and super dark eye circles. Mermaid kept asking me if i am alright. Fact is i'm not. I just have no idea how to bring my problems across.
Sick of the place i am in (Wherever currently), sick of the job scope, sick of relationships that seems to be hanging in the air going neither stale nor fresh, sick of the me inside, sick of being penniless, sick of teaching tuition, sick of sleepless nights, sick of the mentality i had which often lead me into situations where i couldn't control myself. Most importantly, sick of not knowing who i really am, and what i really like to do.
Relationships around me seems to be distanting. In office, at home, people who are constantly around me. Probably because i am in my dark period, that's why i couldn't find a common ground to break into, gone were the days where i look forward to going to work. Raining in the mornings makes it worse.
At least, i managed to talk to my beloved Nellie, i felt a stab in my heart when i see her fragile body walking into office that very first day after what happen, i wanted to hug her and cry when i see the glow all gone from her face. At least, i manage to talk to her, disected the whole thing one by one, listen to her and shared with her how i really feel. I mean, its the first time i "counselled" someone of a higher status then me. But i thot i did make some sense there and got her thinking. I hope i really helped there, and this will be my only comfort.
To you, and you know who you are. I think, really, we have to take things slow. For so much good times and bad times we've been through, and no matter how hard i try not to make "money" a stumbling block, it seems to be able to always find its way back again and again. Like i say "only in hardships, will you see the true characteristics of a person" and this month, only magnifies everything for us. I am not saying that every relationship should be measured with cash. Infact, it shouldn't be.
For every single relationships that existed in my life, i will try to give as much as i can. Not because i am rich. I was never rich. But to me, if i can afford, and it will make you happy, i will gladly do it. If i am shopping, i come across something which i thot you will like, i will buy it. All these, just because i thot, it will bring a smile on your face. Was reading a blog before i made these entry, and one of the sentence went "You can give without loving, you cannot love without giving". The first time i heard this was almost 10 years ago, and it has been with me since.
20 bucks for a fantastic and fun day will always be an event so memorable that every details of it reamins vivid in my heart.
And for the very first time, i realise that i will go super zombified and super tired and face pale after crying.
There are many other stuff as well, unspeakable and admist all these, i feel like i need to get a good scrub and Dethol, scrub myself and my heart clean, shave my hair which have ben carrying so much of my thots all these years.
I think i need to press the button, upgrade and have a good reboot.
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除了转角，另一个让人心寒的是圆圈。 当你发现自己在兜圈圈时，会期祈祷上帝给你在圈圈里找到一个90度的转角。
10:48 pm
