Wednesday, May 11, 2005
i am quite sad and disappointed after one whole blog entry i dedicated, and no one says something..it goes to show how popular i am..
I had a set of thoughts earlier..and i hurled it all out to bigbig, i am sorry for putting you through all these, but i want to tell you how appreciative i am to have you being always there for me, whenever i need to get those thougts of mine out of my mind.
Was wondering earlier if there is a major problem in the friendship that i am offering people or maybe i do expect a tad too high. I guess, ya, like what bigbig says, why he couldn't bring himself to like writing blogs, becos he is not the kind to say things out. I do udnerstand that. But i guess, by putting it here on my blog is the only way i can get somethings across to those i would love to let them know but wouldn't know how to open up my mouth to.
Actually, i was quite puzzled and hurt at some points when i hear that u people do go out and play without telling me. No, it isn't a huge problem here. I dun really care becos i am not always free. I have my own commitments. But it hurts when i realise that u poeple meant to keep it away from me. I am not dumb. I have eyes to see and ears to hear.
So it points down to maybe i am not welcome in the group at all. So then why come to me when u have ur own problems? My friendship isn't cheap at all. I do expect somethings too. The truth is i always felt out of the place. In the past was still alright. But till a certain was attached to another certain someone in the same group (in the first place how did we end up in the same group? i thot it only have 5?) Nah, i still love to see both of you get together. U are compatible. Very infact. But i felt out of the place eversince. So and so with so and so, so so with so so, ger with guy. I am all alone. How did the guys come into an all gers group in the first place? I am very puzzled.
I can't act. And i don't act very well. I have my flaws, and if there is really some flaws that you pple can't accept. Then u guys are really good actors. I have nothing to say.
In one night, i know who are the people i should depend, and who i shouldn't depend.
And, never ask me to be the planner, i knew this long ago. The reason why i refuse, and i would never pick up the role as the initiator( If there is such a word) is becos, you pple have been meeting up without me what. So what for do i take the initiative to organise things?
And i do understand why So and so says she feels better with so and so...ya, becos, u have the same mindset, same lifestyle maybe?? I could never, becos i will will break out of this current mindset and lifestyle that i have. Ya, i will never cross the line. So u and i will only be superficial friends. Thats what u may mean. So there wasn't a need for you to explain u actually was the pple's friend And the first person to draw out would be so and so. Nah, u were the first one. Now i understand why u say is tough. Becos u refuse to open up.
To so and so, whom i feel i have lost eversince something new happen in her life. I realise i never have anything better to tok to you abt eversince that new thing happen. Whenever we are out, i always felt i am out alone. like i lost a friend. But still is a happy thing. Losing me will be better.
I am actually tired of this all superficial thing. I cannot tahan in this kind of place. I need real friends. And of cos, i know who are the ones who accepted me for who i am, the beloved ones who always cared for me and love me for everything i have and love me for those i dun have.
I am not a good actress. Let it all end here tonight. Dun look for me if u think i am not worth any of ur friendship. And come to think of it, if everything is gonna end here, i will be quite heart pain for that 100 bucks i lost for nothing just to cheer someone up.
Maybe thats what life is all about. U lost some, u gain some. I benefitted too in any cause. Thanks for all those little treats and car rides i gotten from all of you. I am not a good actress and i tend to get tired after i act for a while. My pain and tiredness shall end here. Cheerios.
2:12 am
