Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I have got lots to say. But i found no words to say them out. I am in no position to say and advise anything. Besides, i dunnoe how to with nice words, yes, i am always harsh. But i always remembered the dream the we used to have. The kind of life we would want to lead, the kind of family we want to set up. The desire we wanted. I thought u could be the one to help me fullfill that dream.
Alot of things i cannot share, becos i have no idea how to. The only thing i know is, i am now able to do more things that i ever could. My beliefs are still intact firmly. My beliefs is what that make me. I left with a clean record. But still that doesn't make me a good confidante too.
Something that i do sense is, i think we will drift apart. You don't seems to be open to me anymore. Becos we have no more common topics. I felt it. I felt i was casted aside. No one came to talk to me, i had to ask. You have form ur own group within the group. I tried already.
I wonder where has that dream gone to. Is this relationship going to turn plain? I dunnoe. For the first time in many weeks, i actually prayed. I do still remember all our dreams, all the reactions, all the conversation, all the hurts, all the encouragement etc. Where has all that gone to? I really thought u could be the one to fullfill the dream i couldnt.
For the first time in many many years, i felt alone again. Nonetheless, i think i will stay at where i am, not wanting to speak a single word anymore, not becos i can't but being afraid of losing everything beautiful. Beginning to feel convince that i am a loser, and i can't make my friends feel at home with me.
To another matter which have been bothering me, i think i am quite tired of maintaining everything and keep it alive. I don't wanna be the planner, becos everyone is not appreciating. I dun like it, when people take it for granted that i plan. I didn't give the idea, so i dun take the responsibility to plan. And i dun plan, becos pple dun enjoy themselves and they keep to their own individual worlds. No, dun push the responsibility to me after giving the idea. I dun like it, when my phone bill is high and pple dun enjoy the outing.
12:24 am
