Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Is everything going to end? Have i ruined everything that i have and have caused them to go away from me? I have no idea. I know that i have tried my best. Put the best that i know how to be the best that i can be, and to give you the best. But if after all these things that i have done, have made you feel pressured. Then i am sorry. Don't always say that i don't know army life is tough. Ya, maybe i dun really know till i go through it. But i have tried my best i know how, to love you more, to give you the best. That's the only way i know to be the gf that you could be proud of. I always want you to be happy when you book out, becos i know is tough inside. But there is nothing that i know in my brains to lessen that pain other than to believe in myself that i am a important person to you, and by letting myself to be the first person that you see every week when you book out, so that when you see someone you love you will be happy, And by encouraging you, asking how ur week inside, i thought i can bring a sense of hope and strength for you to last through another week. I tried my best to do something for you every week. And looking forward to see you have been the best time that i will ever enjoy throughout the week. I will go all the way to arrange my tuition so that it will not clash with me going down to fetch you. Even if it means i have to travel alot more times, i didn't mind. As long as i could be there for you. I will do anything.
I needed someone to care for me too. Maybe i have lost my love to army. I am no longer care for by the man i love. And i no longer feel important to him anymore. He wants to spen more time with his army mates, people whom he sees 5 days a week 24x5hrs a week. Becos they are his new best friends, and they are fun to be with. So where do i stand now? not at all in your heart? have i become a nuisance to you? I can barely see you for only 2 a week. And yes you do call me, but only for that few minutes. I tell myself that i will understand. And i do understand. But where were you when i needed you most. Where were you when i needed someone to hold on to? I feel so empty. SO unappreciated.
But i think i'll never blame you. Becos, maybe i am not really the one that you love. I am sorry if i have pressured you in anyway, by me loving you. I am sorry. Probably i dun deserve evevrything that is good. Becos they will always leave me in the end.
Maybe i am not worth of being love at all. That's what the first one did to me. And maybe this one too. What i have always wanted will never come to pass. The things that i love the most will always have to leave me. Maybe i am just some dirt off the floor.
Why? becos i do not see that i have done anything wrong to deserve this. Most of the time is becos simply they dun love me anymore.
10:05 pm
