Thursday, November 11, 2004
Thanks to my gang of friends, sherry, weide and mankid. And of cos, xr himself who made the effort. We had a good talk. Things are fine now.
Understand that he is too tired sometimes, to even assure me of his love for me. I didn't mind. All the while since day one he went in to serve, i have been trying my best, doing things for him, buying gifts for him. Travelling down all the way to fetch him and see him off. I mean i was willing to do everything for him. And plus, with him not always around, i have to fight those negative thoughts myself. The main thing was i was fighting a fear of him suddenly dump me aside and tell me that he no longer loves me for no apparent reason. Throught out the time since he went in. I was reminded of the past. What happen in the past. Where i put in and gave me everything to a man and suddenly he just turn around in a few weeks and say he no longer loves me just becos he no longer loves me.
I became afraid. Very very afraid. And since the day he went in, it just seems like the things i do are never good enough, the gifts are never good enough, etc. I tried my best in doing everything i could, just to make sure that he is happy, but it seems like is of no use. So i became more depress. Especially those weeks where he couldn't call me at all. I have to juggle between exams and everything else. Tuition pile up, i became super stress up. But he was nowhere in sight. And when i finally make it thru those weeks and see him for the one weekend, i was happy, i knew he was tired, so i didn't bring up the matter. I thot, is ok, just another 3 more days, he will be able to book out and enjoy a good 5 day holiday so i can spent and make up for all the time i wanted.
But i guess i was devastated when i heard that he wanted to go out with his mates on the night he books out. I actually plan something up for him. I didn't mind him going out with his mates, though i dun really like those places, but i was ok, but suddenly it became apparent to me that he didn't want me to tag along. So i went "crazy". couldn't understand the point is tht if he really misses me as his gf, when he is in camp, then already, i dun get to spent alot of time with him, though he calls me everyday for the few mins. I cant get my emotional needs met in that short time. So here i was happily waiting for him at the interchange despite my terrible tummy cramps, i just waited, stood there and wait till i see him. Guess what? When i got to see him, the next thing i knew was, he is not going to spent time with me despite me waiting there eagerly, he wanted to bond with his mates whom he sees everyday, sleeps with everyday.
So suddenly it hit me tht his mates have become more important then me, his gf. He wanted to spent time with his mates whom he sees everyday, and not spend time with me. SO i began to question myself. (but before tht i already had a very SUAY Day before hand. today was so super suay. First, i got myself all wet, just the moment i was walking out to my busstop. it didn;t start from small drizzle, it just poured suddenly, then next after getting all wet, i realise that my "auntie" came visit me. What a good timing. then i had a terrible tummy cramp. But i still went to fetch him from the interchange)
Just imagine you were me. How would you react? ALL of a sudden, i began to indulge in those negative thoughts again. i cried all my way home. Recalling, and the more i recall, the more i felt like i am a failure.
But everything should be fine, my good friends saw me, knew something was wrong, wanted me to be happy, called him up, gave me a surprise where he suddenly sprang up beside me. Went to the beach, and surprisingly tonight there were alot of stars, we had a good talk. Then we went back, everything went back to normal, but i had to walk around with big and swollen eyes.
4:02 am
