Sunday, October 24, 2004
I don't know what to say. i feel upset though. Actually i don't think i am in any wrong. Because i think you perceive it wrongly. I didn't went to ask and investigate. I didn't in any place say i believe those who came looking for me. If you remember looking at my blog, i did mention that i dun believe them either.
All i want you to know is that i care. I really do. But i guess if i will to be in your place, i would have felt hurt too. But, what cause the problem today, is because non of these have been brought to a conclusion. All these is not as if i went purposefully to bring it up. I did have doubts, but i chose to kept quiet. But i was shocked. How would you want me to react when one day suddenly pounce on me and tell me in my face that my best friend is being cheated? You want me to sit back and just relax. What if is true? Do u think my conscience will be clear if any of that was true? I can't cos i really care. Just like how you cared for me when i have my problems in my first relationship with BT.
I trusted you. Really i do. But you can't ask me to trust someone who, have been accused but still till now haven come clear with his stand and why all these happens? I trust you. But my thoughts will still run about him. And the more i think, the more i get disgusted. Why?? all these cause he didn't or maybe you didn't bother to address the things that have happen?? How could you expect me to react, and you think i can just leave you in his hands without even knowing myself whether he can be trusted anot?? Is only when i know he can be trusted then my mind can be at ease. DO you have any idea how many times i have to deal with those people who come and accused him?? and on the other hand i can't say a thing cos i promise i will trust you?? is tormenting you know. I can't stop thinking abt it. Where is the truth???
And i have been so afraid of this matter getting a matter into your friendship with irene. I am afraid you know? Not that i dun believe that your lifelong friendship with her cannot withstand any fire. I believe. And as friend to the both of you, i have to protect it. I FEEL that i have a responsibility to protect it too. I didn't want to see a ugly situation. Cos i will feel like i play a part in it. Alot of times, i hasten to even tell irene abt anything i know. That why whenever irene is involved, i ask her to keep quiet. Cos if there is anything, i will just be the one toking, and if you are hurt, responsibility will be me. No, i don't try to act noble. I just dun wan to be the one to spoilt something that is the bestest gift you could ever have. And alot of times, i have no choice but to have her in, cos she was the only one that i can turn to.
I need your understanding, i need you clarity of mind. Please do think properly. If you think that i wasn't upset about it and could be happily somewhere dating my bf. Then you are wrong. You can ask xianrong how upset and tormented i was. If you were to be me, what will you do?? If this thing happen on me and xianrong, what will you do??
10:34 pm
